Ariel Estrella: Healing Exchanges
Selected Excerpts
“My healing is not my own. It can’t be, not as a queer Latinx survivor of violence. It can’t be, not when it was trauma that first introduced my body to how much my health and survival rely on others’ presence in my life. I burned the word “interdependence” under my skin when my lethargic depression fed my relative Emmanuel’s violent depression in a toxic loop of aching familiarity. I realized collectivity at the sight of a staircase where I pressed my feet against a banister to prevent me from being tossed down the steps. I drew out my intersectionality witnessing family members jumped by their fathers for seeming too much like a maricón.”
“The scope of the treatment Dr. Weiss offered was limited. She had set up strict boundaries to my recovery that didn’t consider the fluidity of my intersectional life or my needs as a queer Latinx. I needed to talk about the trauma of witnessing queerphobia and knowing there would be further violence if word got out about my queerness. I needed to address the fear that my trans identity came from a desire to be like the men in my family, backed by the hope a more masculine persona could offer me protection within a maschista paradigm. I needed to be reassured that I was not a traitor for speaking out about abuse outside the family. I needed to heal, an act of transformation that values holistic wellness of heart, soul, and the beloved communities necessary to support reflection.”
“My healing is not my own, because health and healing occur beyond just that which is held within a single body. For me, healing as a survivor is not(only) for the purpose of stabilizing my ability to handle the day-to-day, it is also a constant action; it is a verb seeking renogotiations of self as the contexts change over time. Beloved community acts as both a witness to and participant in this process through healing exchanges of intimacy shared along atoms, esters, echoes of our ancestors, embraces after hours-long conversations, bruja superstitions, and the accidental brush of a fellow strap-hanger during a morning commute.”
Discussion Questions
Ariel describes a rich, diverse set of communities they are a part of, and how these communities affected their healing process. What meaning did you derive from the repetition throughout this piece of the phrase: “my healing is not my own?”
Have you had a member of your healthcare team who truly felt like a part of your healing community? Or the opposite: one that made you feel distanced, as Ariel’s therapist did? What did they do that led you to feel that way?
How can we support and encourage more connection, rather than disconnection, of our patients’ communities (LGBTQ+ or otherwise) during their healthcare experiences?
Reflections from #MedHumChat
“I love @arielmestrella's piece because it has so many dimensions (& because it's beautiful!). I read this phrase as having a dual meaning - fundamentally about interdependence and beloved community, yet also about how the health system can create barriers to healing.” —@zenasharman
“I offer some practical tips in this piece: zenasharman.com.” —@zenasharman
“I feel a corollary is "my trauma is not my own." There is a shared trauma within LGBTQ communities; when one of us is hurt, we all hurt (#translivesmatter). Though a shared burden, we then acknowledge the shared power to heal individuals and communities.” —@cjstreed
“I often feel my psychiatry training wants me to be a Dr. Weiss. Traditional psych training is so profoundly cold, distant, and boundaried. I’m lucky to have my own psychiatrist who is real with me. She not only helps my mental health but also is a role model.” —@jack_turban
“The biggest thing is to facilitate — financially, culturally — marginalized ppl being able to access training to care for our own communities. I appreciate cis allies but will always feel safest with other trans people. I’m sure this applies to other marginalized identities also.” —@em_gee_ess
About this #MedHumChat
“Healing Exchanges” was paired with “Queer in Common Country” by Kara Sievewright for a #MedHumChat discussion December 4, 2019 exploring LGBTQ+ Connection and Disconnection in Healthcare.
We were honored to be joined by two special guests for this discussion. Zena Sharman (@zenasharman) is editor of The Remedy as well as a public speaker, LGBTQ+ health advocate, and director of strategy at the Michael Smith Foundation for Health Research. Ariel Estrella (@arielmestrella) is a queer Latine scholar at Cornell University who is pursing a doctoral English degree with a focus on queer of color lyricism.
The pieces for this chat, along with the discussion questions, were selected by Maggie Hulbert and Grace Oliver.
About the Author
Ariel Estrella (@arielmestrella) is a queer Latine scholar at Cornell University who is pursing a doctoral English degree with a focus on queer of color lyricism.