Esmé Weijun Wang: Perdition Days
Selected Excerpts
“If I am psychotic 98% of the time, who am I? If I believe that I don’t exist, or that I am dead, does that not impact who I am? Who is this alleged “person” that is a “person living with psychosis,” once the psychosis has set in to the point that there is nothing on the table save acceptance?
When the self has been swallowed by illness, isn’t it cruelty to insist on a self that is not illness? Is this why so many people insist on believing in a soul?”
“I attended a speakers’ training at the Mental Health Association of San Francisco. As a new hire at the bureau, I would begin, in 2014, to deliver anti-stigma talks for schools, government agencies, and other organizations around the city. Part of this training included a lesson on appropriate language use — to say, “person with bipolar disorder,” or “person living with bipolar disorder,” or “person with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder,” instead of “bipolar” as predicate adjective. We speakers were told that we are not our disease, our diseases. We are instead individuals with disorders and malfunctions. Our conditions lie over us like smallpox blankets; we are one thing, and the illness is another, just as a person with cancer is not a “cancer” herself, but a person who has had, through misfortune, a condition at the cellular level.
This hypothetical person with cancer is still the same person.”
Discussion Questions
In “Perdition Days,” Esmé Wang discusses person-centered language. What do you think of this convention? What other semantic choices do you make, in your work or personal life, to show respect for the people you are talking about?
Wang asks how much she can differentiate between her sense of self and her psychiatric diagnosis. What do you think of this passage (the second selected excerpt)? In your experience, how much do people with mental illness identify with their diagnoses?
How do you define yourself?
Reflections from #MedHumChat
“It is terrifyingly easy to dehumanize patients in the hospital. Essential aspects of their identity (clothing, independence, ability to communicate) are stripped away. For me, using person-centered language is one active and necessary humanizing action.”—@alessacolaMD
“Words matter. The way we talk to our patients matters. And the way we talk to each other about our patients matters, too, perhaps even more”—@PoojaLakshmin
“One danger of seeing self as separate from disease is that the disease becomes a pathology that needs to be excised and discarded. when self and disease are so intertwined, that would mean discarding so much of the self. I admire Wang's self acceptance”—@ColleenFarrell
“I find this idea of not knowing who you are or where you end and your illness begins to be terrifying, it feels all consuming”—@jennifermcaputo
About this #MedHumChat
“Perdition Days” was paired with an excerpt from An Unquiet Mind, a novel by Kay Jamison, for a #MedHumChat discussion August 7, 2019 exploring Mental Illness & Identity.
We were honored to be joined by special guest Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, MD (@PoojaLakshmin), a Psychiatrist and Clinical Assistant Professor at the George Washington University School of Medicine & Health Sciences. She specializes in women’s health and reproductive psychiatry. You can learn more about her here.
The pieces for this chat, along with the discussion questions, were selected by Margot Hedlin.
About the Author
Esmé Weijun Wang (@esmewang) is a novelist and essayist. She is also a woman living with chronic illness, late-stage lyme disease and schizoaffective disorder, and she says that while these conditions create boundaries for her life, they also inspire her to guide and support others who are dealing with difficult times. You can learn more about her here.