Mark Doty: Brilliance
Brilliance
Maggie’s taking care of a man
who’s dying; he’s attended to everything,
said goodbye to his parents,
paid off his credit card.
She says Why don’t you just
run it up to the limit?
but he wants everything
squared away, no balance owed,
though he misses the pets
he’s already found a home for
— he can’t be around dogs or cats,
too much risk. He says,
I can’t have anything.
She says, A bowl of goldfish?
He says he doesn’t want to start
with anything and then describes
the kind he’d maybe like,
how their tails would fan
to a gold flaring. They talk
about hot jewel tones,
gold lacquer, say maybe
they’ll go pick some out
though he can’t go much of anywhere and then
abruptly he says I can’t love
anything I can’t finish.
He says it like he’s had enough
of the whole scintillant world,
though what he means is
he’ll never be satisfied and therefore
has established this discipline,
a kind of severe rehearsal.
That’s where they leave it,
him looking out the window,
her knitting as she does because
she needs to do something.
Later he leaves a message:
Yes to the bowl of goldfish.
Meaning: let me go, if I have to,
in brilliance. In a story I read,
a Zen master who’d perfected
his detachment from the things of the world
remembered, at the moment of dying,
a deer he used to feed in the park,
and wondered who might care for it,
and at that instant was reborn
in the stunned flesh of a fawn.
So, Maggie’s friend —
Is he going out
Into the last loved object
Of his attention?
Fanning the veined translucence
Of an opulent tail,
Undulant in some uncapturable curve
Is he bronze chrysanthemums,
Copper leaf, hurried darting,
Doubloons, icon-colored fins
Troubling the water?
Discussion Questions
How have you witnessed a loved one or patient deal with a terminal diagnosis?
What benefit does the patient find in attending to everything?
What is the risk in loving something you can’t finish?
What challenges have you faced as a medical provider or loved one in addressing end-of-life care?
Reflections from #MedHumChat
“When things feel uncertain, some find value in organizing what we can control. In “attending to everything” he is controlling what he can. The beauty of life tho is often found in what we ultimately don’t control – in releasing & loving there can be transcendence.” —@marypanwriter
“When I’ve been on teams having to announce a terminal diagnosis, I’ve felt a huge wave of what an attending once termed “anticipatory grief.” Family & friends want to do all they can so as not to feel like they “could have done more” when death comes.” —@natashaabadilla
“As a clinician primarily in oncology, palliative care and hospice, reactions are so varied and unique, often shock and anticipatory grief, or control and practicality. Sometimes acceptance never really happens. Sometimes people are stoic from the start.” —@sarahroseblack
“One thing I have come across is patients not wanting to feel like "a burden" to loved ones - often this fear is voiced at the time of a terminal diagnosis or a change in clinical status. I think attending to everything helped this patient to assuage that fear.” —@alessacolaMD
“If we are honest, nothing we love is ever finished. That is the beauty of love.” —@RanaAwdish
About this #MedHumChat
“Brilliance” was paired with “On the Eve of My Mother’s Dying” by Peggy Duffy for a #MedHumChat discussion on March 18, 2020 exploring End of Life.
The pieces for this chat as well as the accompanying discussion questions were curated by Mary Pan (@marypanwriter).
About the Author
Mark Doty is a renowned author poet whose work has earned him numerous accolades including the Whiting Writer’s Award, the T. S. Eliot Prize, the National Poetry Series, the Los Angeles Times Book Award, the National Book Critics’ Circle Award, and the National Book Award.