Danez Smith: notes
notes
dear suicide
how is the war? is it eating?
tell me of the girls charging
backwards into dumb tides
death’s wet mouth lapping
their ankles, knees, eyebrows.
tell me of the sissies like drunk
fireworks, rocketing into earth
afterimage burned into river
& cement memory.
how is the war? does it have
a wife? does she know how
the bodies got in her bed?
dear suicide
i know your real name.
i bind you from doing harm.
i enter the room like a germ.
i say your name, it is my name.
the walls cave around me like a good aunt.
the window hums. the door rocks me.
the dresser leaves to go make tea.
the room knows my name.
it binds us from doing harm.
dear suicide
where are you keeping my friends?
every cup i turn over holds only air.
i jimmy open a tulip expecting their faces
but find only the yellow heart.
what have you done with them?
yesterday i took my body off
beat it on the front steps with a broom
& not one of them
came giggling out my skin
yelling you found me!
not one of them i called for
was already in my hand.
dear suicide
you a mutual friend
a wedding guest, a kind
of mother, a kind of self
love, a kind of freedom.
i wish you were a myth
but mothers my color
have picked ocean
over boat, have sent
children to school
in rivers. i known niggas
who just needed
quiet. i seen you
dance, it made me hard.
i would not deny you
what others have found
in the sweet mildew
behind your ear. i know
what happens when you
ask for a kiss, it’s all
tongue, you don’t
unlatch, you suck
face until the body
is gone.
dear suicide
that one? i promised him
i would kill for him
& my nigga was my nigga
& my word is my word.
dear suicide, where are you?
come see me. come outside.
i am at your door, suicide.
i’ll wait. i’ve offed my earrings
& vaselined my face. i put on
my good sweats for this.
i brought no weapon but my fist.
dear suicide
you made my kin thin air.
his entire body dead as hair.
you said his name like a dare.
you’ve done your share.
i ride down lake street friendbare
to isles of lakes, wet pairs
stare back & we compare
our mirror glares. fish scare
into outlines, i blare
a moon’s wanting, i wear
their faces on t-shirts, little flares
in case i bootleg my own prayer
& submit to your dark affair.
tell me they’re in your care.
be fair.
heaven or hell, i hope my niggas all there
if i ever use the air as a stair.
Discussion Questions
What stood out to you from this poem? What was your favorite line or stanza?
In “notes,” Smith writes to suicide as a person with whom they have a close, complex relationship. What effect does this personification have? How does it relate to what you might say to suicide?
What can we take from this piece in thinking and talking about suicide prevention? What are some of the changes in healthcare, education, or society that you’d like to see in order to prevent suicide?
Reflections from #MedHumChat
“ ‘i know your real name.’ there is something very powerful in having a name for things, be they emotions, places, concerns we have, etc. A different kind of conversation is possible when we know someone's or something's name, and we call them by it”—@NRomanoSpica
“For me, the line “i say your name, it is my name” stands out in this beautiful poem. I think about experiences of mental illness and suffering being all encompassing – and the limitations of “fighting” language. How can we “fight” an illness or experience which is so intrinsically linked with how we see ourselves? I also see hope here – by naming it, owning it, there is an experience of empowerment and re-contextualizing a traumatic experience.”—@juveriazaheer
“Smith's portrayal feels very similar to my experience. The dark suicide side is both outside of & a part of me. We know each other intimately & most of my life is spent in clash with this side, but there are times where we align and those are usually the darkest times”—@jbullockruns
About this #MedHumChat
“notes” was paired with “Suicide - Rewriting My Story,” a personal essay by Justin Bullock for a #MedHumChat on September 2, 2020 discussing Suicide Prevention.
We were honored to be joined by special guest Juveria Zaheer (@juveriazaheer), emergency psychiatrist and suicide researcher at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) in Toronto.
The pieces for this chat as well as the discussion questions were curated by Gina Nicoll (@Gina_Nicoll).
About the Artist
Danez Smith (they/them; @Danez_Smif) is a Black, queer, non-binary, HIV-positive writer and performer.